Redneck Caviar

The Kitchen Table

2010-05-27T12:45:00.000-07:00

The kitchen is where she sat alone. Alone to dream, alone to ponder the things that were important to her. The window in the corner was left open to let in the fresh, albeit, humid southern air of the afternoon. Her cat lay sleeping on the chair next to her. She watched him for a moment and wondered if he dreams. "Do cats dream?" Fresh wildflowers, picked yesterday, sit in a vase on the table she made with her own two hands. Her mind wandered back to yesterday; that day was much better than today. That day was full of promise and hope for the days to come. But, that was yesterday.
She watched out the window as the clouds moved across the sky changing the colors of the day and wondered if it would rain. This was Mississippi and the weather changes slowly in Mississippi. She often watched as storms rolled in from the west bringing with them the warm rain of the summer. She looked down at her cat who was still sleeping. She noticed he had changed positions and questioned just how long she had been staring out that window. He looked peaceful.
She reached for her pack of cigarettes, Camel Lights, opened the box and pulled one out. This was the one thing that she hated most about herself. She tried to remember back to a time when she didn't feel chained to this familiar box; that was a long time ago. She reached in her pocket and pulled out a lighter. Flick!
With very puff she watched as the smoke twisted and turned through the kitchen window. She sat with that cigarette, between her two fingers, as her mind wandered again. She looked down at her hand with a cry! She flinched and the cigarette fell to the old, stained kitchen floor. She jumped up, grabbing it, and ran to the sink. She ran it under the water and tossed it into the trash as she reached for the running water with her other hand. The cool water felt soothing on the two tiny red burns on those fingers.
She flipped off the water and turned back towards the window. With one swift movement she slammed it shut. She grabbed the familiar box and little black lighter from the table and stuffed the two back into her pocket. She pushed in the chair which made a horrible screech across that old floor scaring the cat who went tearing through the room and out the door. She lifted her wrist to check the time, 2:20.
She heard beautiful, tiny laughter coming from the living room. Walking back through the kitchen door, she glancing back at the kitchen table. The time for daydreams was over, it was now time to get back to reality. Only 10 minutes had passed but to her this felt like an eternity. These are the moments where she is alone to dream; alone to ponder the things that were important to her. She knew what the important things were and the most important thing of all was staring up at here with beautiful blue eyes.
"I love you, Mommy!"

Southern ROCK!

2010-03-04T09:45:00.000-08:00

Here are my top 20 favorite "Classic" Southern Rock songs. Just so you know, this was not an easy list to come up with. Some may disagree with the order...BUT...I don't care. Okay, here we go...

20. Dixie Chicken - Little Feat
19. Flirtin' With Disaster - Molly Hatchet
18. Black Betty - Ram Jam
17. Highway Song - Blackfoot
16. Mississippi Queen - Mountain
15. Take the Money and Run - Steve Miller Band
14. Born on the Bayou - Creedence Clearwater Revival
13. Train, Train - Blackfoot
12. Whipping Post - Allman Brothers Band
11. Jessica - Allman Brothers Band
10. Keep Your Hands to Yourself - Georgia Satellites
9. Jessica - Allman Brothers Band
8. Tuesday's Gone - Lynyrd Skynyrd
7. Bad Moon Rising - Creedence Clearwater Revival
6. Blue Sky - Allman Brothers
5. Can't You See - Marshall Tucker Band
4. Sweet Melissa - Allman Brothers
3. Black Water - Doobie Brothers
2. Free Bird - Lynyrd Skynyrd
1. Devil Went Down to Georgia - Charlie Daniels Band

Some may consider my #1 pick to be Country but I would have to disagree. I'm not sure there is a Southerner out there the rocks harder than Charlie Daniels! YEAH!

Please note my lack of Sweet Home Alabama.

I Fought the Law

2010-03-04T05:30:00.000-08:00

I can't get enough of these ridiculous southern laws. Here are just a few. Enjoy.

Alabama

Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
In Auburn men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail.
‘Spray String’ is banned in Mobile.
You may not fart in a public place after 6 PM.
It is considered an offense to shower naked.
Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging.

Arkansas

A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.
In Little Rock dogs may not bark after 6 PM.
Also in Little Rock it is unlawful to walk one’s cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday.

Florida

Doors of all public buildings must open outwards.
It is illegal to sell your children.
A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
In Daytona Beach the molestation of trash cans is banned.

Georgia

It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office.
Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs.
Signs are required to be written in English.

Kentucky

Throwing eggs at a public speaker could result in up to one year in prison. (Repealed, 1975)
One may not dye a duckling blue and offer it for sale unless more than six are for sale at once.
It is illegal to fish with a bow and arrow in Kentucky.

Louisiana

A law was passed with the specific intent of stating the punishment for stealing crawfish.
Persons could land in jail for up to ten years for stealing an alligator.
It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
Biting someone with your natural teeth is “simple assault,” while biting someone with your false teeth is “aggravated assault."
It is illegal to steal a “movable” even if it classified as an “immovable”. What?

Mississippi

If one is a parent to two illegitimate children, that person will go to jail for at least one month.
Cattle rustling is punishable by hanging.
In Tylertown it is unlawful to shave in the center of main street.

North Carolina

It’s against the law to sing off key.
Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.
If a man and a woman who are not married go to a hotel/motel and register themselves as married then, according to state law, they are legally married.
A three dollar tax must be paid on all white goods sold. White goods?

Oklahoma

One may not promote a “horse tripping event.”
It is illegal for the owner of a bar to allow anyone inside to pretend to have sex with a buffalo. I really want to know what happened to make this a LAW!
Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
Whaling is illegal. Are there whales in Oklahoma?
It is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots.
Cars must be tethered outside of public buildings.
Fish may not be contained in fishbowls while on a public bus.

South Carolina

A railroad may not remove itself from a town of more than five hundred people. Remove itself?
No work may be done on Sunday.
Musical instruments may not be sold on Sunday.
Horses may not be kept in bathtubs.
A permit must be obtained to fire a missile. No kidding?
When approaching a four way or blind intersection in a non-horse driven vehicle you must stop 100 ft from the intersection and discharge a firearm into the air to warn horse traffic.
It is perfectly legal to beat your wife on the court house steps on Sundays.
Every adult male must bring a rifle to church on Sunday in order to ward off Indian attacks.

Tennessee

You can’t shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile. Really? I'll remember that.
More than 8 women may not live in the same house because that would constitute a brothel.
It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
It is legal to gather and consume roadkill.
The definition of “dumb animal” includes every living creature.
Interracial marriages are illegal.
Skunks may not be carried into the state.

Texas

It is illegal to sell one�s eye.
A program has been created in the state that attempts to control the weather.
When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. How?
A recently passed anti-crime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

Virgina

There is a state law prohibiting "corrupt practices of bribery" by any person other than candidates.
You may not engage in business on Sundays, with the exception of almost every industry.
Citizens must honk their horn while passing other cars.
Children are not to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.
No animal may be hunted for on Sunday with the exception of raccoons, which may be hunted until 2:00 AM.

Remember Mississippi...Cattle rustling is punishable by hanging! So watch out!

It's a Southern Snowpocalypse!

2010-02-11T10:41:00.000-08:00

Bread...........check!
Milk.............check!
Water..........check!

Wondering why these items sell out when we might get the slightest chance of the white stuff.............check!!!

Issued by The National Weather Service
Jackson, MS
11:29 am CST, Thu., Feb. 11, 2010

... WINTER WEATHER ADVISORY NOW IN EFFECT FROM 6 PM THIS EVENING TO 2 PM CST FRIDAY...

LIGHT SNOW WILL DEVELOP OVER THE AREA FROM THE WEST THIS AFTERNOON AND IS EXPECTED TO OVERSPREAD THE REGION THIS EVENING INTO EARLY FRIDAY. THE SNOW WILL PICK UP IN INTENSITY BETWEEN 10 PM AND 10 AM BEFORE TAPERING OFF FROM WEST TO EAST AFTER 10 AM FRIDAY.

TOTAL SNOW ACCUMULATIONS ARE EXPECTED TO RANGE FROM 1 TO 2 INCHES ACROSS PORTIONS OF NORTHERN MISSISSIPPI... GENERALLY ALONG AND NORTH OF HIGHWAY 82.

PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS...

A WINTER WEATHER ADVISORY MEANS THAT PERIODS OF SNOW MAY CAUSE TRAVEL DIFFICULTIES. BE PREPARED FOR SLIPPERY ROADS AND LIMITED VISIBILITIES... AND USE CAUTION WHILE DRIVING.

Yep. It's a Southern Snowpocalypse.

1-2 INCHES!!! We'll all be dead by morning!

WHO DAT!

2010-02-07T17:43:00.000-08:00

It's not a question.
It's The Saints FIRST EVER Superbowl! FTW!

31-17

Grape Wine in a Mason Jar

2010-02-06T19:33:00.000-08:00

How good is grape wine? So good that Roger Miller wrote a song about it. It is sweet, nearly free and you can make it at home. When made right you will get rip-roaring drunk off of it before you realize you have had too much. All you need are Muscadine grapes, yeast, sugar and patience. Who needs Napa Valley? This link will show you how to get down to brewing it and dandelion wine in the comfort of your own home.

Chug-a-lug chug a lug
Make ya wanna holla, "hidy ho"
Burns your tummy don't you know
Chug-a-lug chug-a-lug

The Sweet Tea Line

2010-02-05T20:13:00.000-08:00

I just don't believe in the Mason-Dixon Line. Having said that, I probably owe you an explanation. As all good southerners know, sweet tea is the food of the gods. This sugary concoction is also part of what makes you a southerner. The Mason-Dixon line fails to take that into account. Over at eightoverfive.com, they have created this neat little shockwave image which explains where the south truly starts. The line where McDonald's stops serving sweet tea in their restaurants.

Check it out at the Link.

Alabama's Got Talent.

2010-02-04T18:27:00.000-08:00

Well we are pretty sure it does. This however is not it. Why do old white people think that they can (or should) rap? Find your favorite truly southern commercials, post them in the comments and we will sift through through them and post the best to the site.

Sweet Jesus & Fatdaddy's Front Porch

2010-02-04T14:41:00.000-08:00

Every now and again I come across a gem in the red clay of the south. This is one of those times and Katrina Estes Hill is one of those gems.

Katrina Estes Hill

"Everyone has a story and often that story goes untold because of our apathy and disinterest in seeing further into who they are, who they have been, and what role they play in society." -Katrina Estes Hill

Whether it be storytelling, writing or painting Katrina has a knack for transporting your heart to a place you may not be familiar with but you would sure love to see. She is able to catch the true beauty of her subjects through her painting and through her stories. If you ever have the opportunity to hear her tell one of her great southern stories then you are a lucky one indeed.

Check her out at katrinaesteshill.com, www.youtube.com/user/mizippigirl or look her up on facebook!

At lunch one day...

2010-02-03T18:24:00.000-08:00

Scene:
I was helping a couple of friends into their car one day after lunch when something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye. I stood there and watched as a family was crossing the parking lot towards the restaurant. A mother & father walking in front with their three little "overweight" children dressed, head to toe, in camouflage trailed in a line behind them.
I didn't realize that one of my friends was also taken by the look of this family, when out of his mouth came the funniest quote I have ever heard. I will remember this moment forever!

"Why do they insist on dressing their children like fat little bushes?" -Anonymous

By Definition

2010-02-03T13:00:00.000-08:00

eu⋅phe⋅mism [yoo-fuh-miz-uhm]:

the substitution of a mild, indirect, or vague expression for one thought to be offensive, harsh, or blunt.
the expression so substituted: “Redneck Caviar” is a euphemism for “potted meat.”